Saturday, February 28, 2015

Escape Plan Doom

Ok, raise your hands.  How many people lie in bed at night and think of escape plans if the house should catch on fire during the night?

I do.  I can't be the only one.

I also imagine how difficult it would be to manage to get my cats and my late husband's ashes out.

I haven't figured out all the variables  yet, but someday I'll have it all worked out.

No fires until then, ok?

Friday, February 27, 2015

Zombie Doom

Do you like zombie stuff?  I like zombie stuff.

I watch zombie movies, zombie tv shows, and I even have a few zombie books laying around.

Unfortunately because of the way my brain works, I pretty much have 2 categories of things:
1.  things I can kill a zombie with
2.  things I can not kill a zombie with

Not to mention I rehearse zombie scenarios in my brain wondering if I'd just freeze in terror and get eaten or if I would go berserker on their flesh eating asses.

I'd like to think I'd be a fighting machine but considering how lazy I am, I'd probably be in the appetizer course.

Even now I'm scanning my desk to see what I can kill a zombie with should one start shambling it's way down the stairs.  Will a crochet hook work?  Yeah, I think I could make that happen.

The zombie apocalypse.  Sounds legit.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Leonard Nimoy who died today at age 83.  
Live long and prosper.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Window Doom

Whenever I sit with my back to a window I expect something to crash through the window, hit me in the head, and kill me.


Hasn't happened  yet.

Doesn't mean it never will, right?  Right?

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Sleeps with the Fishes Doom

So here it is rounding the end of February and I'm wistfully thinking of summer.  Boating, fishing, swimming...lakes and sunlight dancing on the water.

Sounds wonderful.

Except every single time I go swimming in the any lake I can't help but get a case of the oogies.  I worry about getting caught in seaweed.  I'm convinced that fish are going to bump into me and nip at me in irritation.

Worst of all though, I keep thinking that the lake is hiding a giant lake monster (I was going to say sea monster but that's just silly) that's going to come up from the depths and eat me.

You just never know, right?


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Stranger Danger Doom

This doom will be dating me a little.

Way back when Star Wars:  Return of the Jedi came out, my sister and I were lined up in front of the old Nelson theatre in Ottawa waiting to get tickets.  We were the only ones waiting at the time while our parents watched from the car across the street.

We stood there all excited to get tickets and see the movie but all of the sudden this guy came up to us and started chatting to us.  He seemed kind of harmless at first, just chatty.

All of the sudden he looked at me and said, "you look like my sister."  Big pause.  "I hate my sister."

Oh hell, I'm dead.

He's going to attack and kill me, hurt my sister, and  my parents are currently watching and laughing across the street with no knowledge that things had suddenly gotten weird.  My sister would be maimed and scarred for life, my parents would forever feel guilty for laughing while I was being murdered before their eyes.  It was an all around bad scene for everyone.

Just as I thought I was going to be in the papers as that girl who died trying to get tickets to Star Wars, he walked away.

By the way, the original trilogy is the only good trilogy.  The prequel trilogy sucks ass.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Food Poisoning Doom

So the other day my house mates went out for Thai food and brought me back some leftovers.  Yay!  I was looking forward to eating them for lunch the next day.

The  next day, lunch rolled around and I happily dug in to my crispy ginger beef with rice and a noodle dish with bbq pork.  It was awesome.  The ginger beef is like candied meat and the noodle dish reminded me so much of a noodle dish that my Dad used to make.

I was enjoying myself.

Later on my house mates and I planned to go into the city which is over an hour away.

After we all piled into the car and set out on our way, my house mates mentioned that they had both been sick in the night.  The only difference between them and I was the Thai food.  AND I HAD JUST EATEN THE THAI FOOD.

I immediately stared thinking that I was a time bomb to food poisoning and we were going to be far from home.

Tick, tick, tick....

Every slight pain or uncomfortable feeling I felt was the beginning of the end, I was sure of it. When one pain passed the next pain was the beginning of the end.

I started thinking about where the bathrooms were located in the store we were visiting.  I was filled with dread.  Not only were the bathrooms gross and the stall doors were always broken but just the thought of experiencing food poisoning in public was enough to make this atheist start praying.

Because, of course, the food poisoning was INEVITABLE.

We went to the store, we went out to dinner.....tick, tick, tick....

Nothing yet, but disaster could still happen, I was certain of it.  We still had a long drive home.

Tick, tick, tick....

So what happened?


Apparently it wasn't the Thai food.


Wrong again.  Whodathunkit?

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Eating Alone Doom

Every single time I eat food while alone I can't help but wonder if this is the time I'll choke on my food with no one around to give me the Heimlich manoeuver.

In 42 years of eating it hasn't happened yet but you never know.

I'm totally vigilant.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Stair Doom

I'm standing at the top of the stairs and all of the sudden I think, is today the day I fall down the stairs and break my neck?  Or will I lie at the bottom,  maimed, with no one noticing while my 3 cats begin to gnaw at me to avoid starvation?

Now I always walk down the stairs, gingerly holding the rail, like a 95 year old frail lady.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Axe Murderer Doom

While on my honeymoon with my late husband, one night we stayed in a ground floor room with patio doors.  The curtains were open on one side and closed on the other.  After entering the room I was fixated on the idea that someone was hiding outside behind the closed curtain with an axe.

Because, you know, axe murderers are such a common thing.

I couldn't move or relax until my late husband went and checked the closed curtain.  He, of course, found this terribly funny and took as long as possible to go over and check behind the curtain.  He even toyed with the curtain just to torture me a little (which I'm sure I had coming).

All of the sudden he yanked the curtain open with a flourish.  I cringed.

There was no one there.

And all was right with the world for another day.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Freezer Doom

Lots of people out there have chest freezers in their basement.  I grew up with a particularly large one, say, one large enough to store a dead body.

Every damn  time I went downstairs to get something out of that freezer I actually cringed when I lifted up the lid wondering if there would be a dead body in there.

Not only that but I would often balance myself on the side of the freezer, tottering on the edge, to get food out.  What if there was a dead body  (that for some reason I didn't see at first) and I fell into the freezer with the door shutting on top of me?  What if I couldn't lift the lid from the inside for some reason?  This would leave me stuck in the freezer with a dead body until someone found me or I froze to death resulting in 2 dead bodies in the freezer.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Draft Doom

I was not your average 3 year old.  I was completely positive that at 3 years of age I was going to be drafted into the army and have to fight.

I blame M*A*S*H.

For the record, I was never drafted.  LOL

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Dishwasher Doom

I live with 2 of my friends and one night while I was doing the dishes in their kitchen upstairs I thought to myself....

What if I somehow become dizzy, collapse, cut myself on the open dishwasher door getting blood everywhere, and break the dishwasher?

Would they kick me out because I broke the dishwasher?

Monday, February 16, 2015

Dining Table Doom

I live in a basement with the dining room upstairs above my bedroom.  What if one night the ceiling caves in and the upstairs dining table which is a gargantuan oak table crashes though the floor and tries to kill me?  

Would I be able to roll towards the wall quick enough to avoid being crushed?