"And That's Why I Don't Chew Gum While Driving" Doom

Yesterday I was out an about.  I'm Canadian so hear that in your head as oot and aboot if you must, I won't blame you.

Anyhow, I was really thirsty.  The kind of thirsty that makes you throat close up and your mouth all pasty and gross.  At one of my stops, I pulled some gum out of my purse and, lo, my mouth wasn't so dry anymore.  Yay!  Everything is a-ok again.

I then start to drive home.  A 35ish minute drive.  I'm happily chewing away on my gum and popping it since I'm alone (I would never do that with anyone around because I know how irritating it is).  The drive is going smooth and the mixed bag weather was holding out to just being grey and windy.

All of the sudden I start thinking...

What if I choke on the gum while driving?

And I can't get the thought out of my head.

I would choke on my gum, and get into a car accident while suffocating on a stupid piece of gum. All of the sudden my gum is not my dry mouth saviour but the anti-christ.  At best I'm going to go off the road and end up in a ditch.  At worst I'm going to somehow take out a family and forever be known as the murderer of people by gum.

There will be a law enacted called "Amanda's Law" wherein you cannot chew gum while driving and because it's a law, people will purposely ignore it just like they do with the texting/phoning and driving laws.  I'll have started a line of carnage throughout history of people claiming they can "gum and drive".

So what do I do?  I reach for a tissue to get the gum out of my mouth and while reaching I almost drive off the road.  Ok, it wasn't that close, but it could have been!  There was definitely a minor swerve.

Let this be a lesson to you all.  Do not "gum and drive"!

Don't be a statistic!

Why I Piss Other Drivers Off Doom

Ok, so this doom is a fairly rational one.

Nobody likes to drive in freezing rain.  Well today it can't decide whether or not to snow or rain or even be sunny out, so it's somewhere in between.  That makes me worried about freezing rain.

See I have an appointment today and that means driving into the city.  Driving country roads in freezing rain isn't fun.  Especially since people don't seem to appreciate it when I drive the speed limit.  Everyone wants to race along those roads.  Personally I can't afford a ticket much less be in an accident so the speed limit (or a smidge over) is what I drive.

I will quite happily give other drivers opportunities to pass me but often THEY WON'T TAKE IT. They'd rather ride up my freakin' bumper even when it's snowing or something out.  Even when I get into those 2 lane passing areas, people won't pass right away.

JUST STOP IT!

CALM DOWN!

Pass me or back off, especially when the weather is bad.  I'd rather not get into an accident and end up in a ditch.  I don't want to need the jaws of life to get out of my car!

Here's hoping today's drive will be uneventful.

Lazy Sunday Doom

Hah!

I tricked you.

There is no doom for a lazy Sunday.

:-P

I hate crowds Doom

Crowds.

Whether they be in cars making traffic congestion (hello Toronto traffic) or shoppers in an Ikea.

Yeah.  I don't like it.

We're planning on going into Toronto and even from the backseat I find myself clutching the door and stomping on imaginary brake pedals.  

Then we're going to go to an Ikea where the sea of humanity will bump into me, crowd me, be noisy and all around suffocate my socially anxious ass.

Time to get out the tranquilizers.

Wow, this is one boring doom.

Inner Voice Doom

Everyone has an inner voice.

You know what I'm talkin' about.  That inner dialogue you have with yourself about everything including all the things you think but would never say. 

See, I'm fairly certain that even the nicest person has an inner angry little troll shouting out obscenities and judgements in your brain. Well, at least, I picture a troll.  You can picture whatever you want.  

If I'm wrong about everyone else having this inner voice, don't tell me.  I find comfort in thinking I can't possibly be the only one.  Although, I'm thinking inside that if you say you don't have that inner voice, you must be lying.

Thankfully we have filters that keep all that cray cray shit in there where it belongs.  OK, most of us have filters.  Mostly.

Can you imagine if we could hear everyone's inner voice?

All hell would break loose.  It would be chaos.  "Dogs and cats living together...MASS HYSTERIA!!!"*

Or it could whip us into shape and fix the human race so we wouldn't be such assholes to each other anymore.

Or possibly all sorts of people would just avoid me.

I can't decide.

*quotation from Ghostbusters.  Said by Dr. Peter Venkman.  Everyone should quote from Ghostbusters don't you think?  It's an awesome movie.

Hair Dye Doom

The first rule of "Hair Dye Club" is to forget the test strip and just go all in right away.  Admit it, most of us do it.  There is no shame.

However, we approach the box of dye with certain expectations:

1.  Your hair won't fall out

2.  It will actually turn out the colour it shows in the commercials.

IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR???

I guess hair dye is more like gambling than I thought it would be.

Now I'm no stranger to dying my hair red.  In fact for a couple of years now, I've been dying it an extreme fake red colour that I love.  The only problem is that particular dye is hard to get a hold of so I only do it every few months or so.  

Yesterday my hair was all faded out.  Not life threatening, I know.

I decided to try drugstore dyes again in since I won't be getting my preferred dye anytime soon. I just bought a hair dye called "Runway Red".   In the commercials  it looks all fake and scarlet...just the way I like it.  

I trusted the advertising.  

Did it turn out that way?

Nope.

Instead of being close to my signature colour like I thought it would be, it turned out a very orangey red.  

ORANGE.

Yep.  I know in the grand scheme of things it ain't no big thing.  

At least my hair hasn't fallen out.  Yet.

Hair Dye Doom.  It happens.

Confront Your Doom

I do not like confrontation.

DO. NOT. LIKE.

When it comes to confrontations, I feel dread like the fabric of the universe is going to be torn apart.  What makes it worse is that I think everything is going to end up in a confrontation.

I didn't park quite right on the driveway?  Confrontation and end of the world.

I accidentally brake a dish?  Confrontation and the end of the world.

My cats yowl all night?  Confrontation and end of the world.

You get the idea.

I have no basis for this thought process.  My housemates have never been angry with me for ANY of these things.

BUT OHMAHGAHHH it still feels like the world is going to end.

This is usually the time when I get playfully smacked and told to "snap out of it".

Yeah.  Deserved that.

Logic and me are not besties.  I wish we understood each other better.

I make no sense.

Spider in the Shower Doom

Why on earth do spiders like to sneak up on you in the shower?

Because they're assholes, that's why.

Every time I close my eyes in the shower I expect to open them to see a spider preparing to launch and stick to my face like one of those face huggers from Alien.  Sadistic bastards.

I can't stand how people say that they're much more afraid of me than I am afraid of them because, without fail, when a spider appears in the shower with me, it makes a bee-line for me.  It does NOT run screaming the other way shouting, "OH MY GOD IT'S MANDIEEEE RUN AWAY!!!!!!!"

Do I have some sort of target on me while in the shower?  Do spiders put out little "wanted" posters with my face all plastered over them with a reward for scaring me in the shower?

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to spider-check my shower.

Bastards.

Flying Without a Wingman Doom

Have you ever found yourself alone in a social situation where someone has cornered you and is talking up a storm about something you have absolutely no interest in?  Or better yet, the person irritates you beyond belief but  you just can't seem to extricate yourself from the situation.

That's where a wingman comes into play.  And when I say "wingman" I mean man or woman.  It's just a term.

Ok, I admit, it's a pretty mild doom in general but if you've already got social anxiety like me, that brings the feeling of doom up a notch or two.

See a lot of us go into social situations with a wingman.  A friend or significant other with whom you have the agreement to rescue each other from said awkward situations.  A simple look in their direction is often enough to have them come and take you away from what is sure to be the most boring and/or irritating conversation ever.  But with no wingman you're stuck, frantically thinking of a way to escape, ready to chew off a foot, and looking for a way out.

Unfortunately the only example I can think of is the time when someone cornered me at my late husband's funeral and began talking to me about god know's what.  AND THEY WOULDN'T STOP. Luckily my sister must have noticed my blank face because she rescued me.  Just when I thought I was without a wingman, she saved me!

Ok, ok, so there are a lot of people out there who are confident or blunt enough not to need a wingman.

I am not such a person.

I needs me a wingman.

Have you been caught without your wingman?  I'd love to hear about it.

Heights Doom

My fear is straightforward.  I fear falling.

My legs go weak and shaky, my breathing quickens, and my heart pounds.  I turned into a shaking pile of goo when I tried to put a single foot on the glass floor of the CN Tower.  No can do.  I have to hand it to those kids who sprawl all over the glass floor and lick it as they look down.  Yep, I saw one lick it.  Hey, he was a kid, what does he know, right?

I can't so much as walk next to a railing (especially a glass one) on a second floor without having to hug the inner wall.  I think I've mastered the art of hugging the wall discreetly.  Maybe.

Oh and those freakin' exposed tread stairs where you can see right through them as you make your way up!  Who invented those....Satan?

What about feeling that fear so much that it becomes a sort of compulsion or obsessive thought that becomes a tension that needs to be resolved?  You start feeling that falling or dropping what you're holding is inevitable ramping up the fear even more.

Then what do you do?

Avoidance is my strategy and it's worked pretty well so far.

As for the things that can't be helped?  Well, you can always fake a sports injury and take the elevator.

Oh, glass elevators...fuck...this world is out to get me.

Bridge Doom

This doom is simple and to the point.

I hate bridges.  Over or under I always think they're going to collapse and kill me.

That is all.

Death and Taxes Doom

What's that old saying?  There's two things for sure in life...death and taxes.

Every year like so many others, I dread getting my taxes done.

For a lot of people I think it's sort of like telling the government to give you a root canal every year whether or not you get a refund.  You sit there in the chair and bear the pain of the paperwork or online software while Revenue Canada gleefully digs around your sensitive areas.  If you're lucky, the root canal goes smoothly.  If you're not lucky...well...let's just say it can go from a root canal to a full fledged rectal exam.

Most of us just hate doing taxes.

But you know what?  My taxes are done for another year and I survived.

It's also the first day of spring and I got to drive with the window down.

One doom done for another year.

Awesome.

End of the World Doom

The cold war has been over for quite some time, right?

Then why do I still worry about nuclear war and the possibility of WWIII?  (Because people are idiots, that's why.)

I blame my fascination with disaster movies.  Oh and the fact that in grade 8 they showed us a movie all about a nuclear holocaust 'cause what's better than scaring the crap out of a bunch of  13/14 year olds?

The funny thing is I don't even care about the doomsday clock because I always just assume is next to midnight.

Despite that I'm not a doomsday prepper.  You see, if it happens, I am completely unprepared. Would I be forced to eat my cats?  More likely I'd die and they'd eat me...ha!

Or what if the human race goes all mutant-like and we worship our mutated cockroach overlords?

The end of the world.

The possibilities are limitless for a mind with a wild imagination.

Fart Doom (yeah, seriously)

Once upon a time I had a friend stay overnight.  We were just beginning university and still very young.  I tossed and turned on the extremely old and uncomfortable sofa bed when all of the sudden my friend passed wind in her sleep.

Passed wind is too mild a term, really.  She actually let one rip so loud that I'm surprised the pictures didn't fall off the wall.  I, of course, thought it was hilarious.

But it also got me thinking.

If she could pass gas like that in her sleep, then what if I did?

Ever since then, I've been nervous about sleeping in front of people.

It doesn't help that this one time I apparently did that very thing and my late husband thought it was so funny that his stifled laughter shook the bed.  I went to work that day asking everyone if they felt the earthquake that night.  TRUE STORY.

And now, for lack of a better term, I've got fart doom.

Yup.  I'm afraid of farting in my sleep in front of other people.

Is there nothing I won't worry about???

St Patrick's Day Doom

I thought I'd pay homage to St. Patrick's Day today by talking about my fear of snakes since, according to mythology, St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland.

You may think a fear of snakes is common and rational, and yes, I'm afraid of snakes in general but...BUT what I'm really afraid of is a snake coming up through the toilet and biting me right on the ass.

Because that's rational, right?

It's especially rational considering there are pretty much only harmless garter snakes in the area where I live. What are the odds one is going to make it through the septic system and up through my toilet to bite me in the ass.

Pretty slim.

BUT I STILL WORRY ABOUT IT.

The Revolving Door of Doom

After last night's episode of the Walking Dead, I feel I have to share my doom of revolving doors.

The straightforward doom is being afraid of being caught in the door.

The not so rational doom is being afraid of getting caught in the door and being stuck to revolve around and around for eternity.  Makes no sense.  I know.

What I wasn't thinking about, UNTIL NOW THANK YOU WALKING DEAD, was the idea of zombies on either side of me trapping me in the revolving door.

I know, I know.  For someone who likes zombie stuff so much, I sure have them in my irrational dooms a lot.

You just never know, ok?  I could happen!

Ok, maybe that's a little far fetched.

I still think revolving doors are the work of satan.

Burning Down the House Doom

Everyone knows this doom, I'm sure of it.

You leave the house.  You're committed to a certain time away from the house for various reasons. All of the sudden when you can't get back home for hours you start wondering...

Did I leave the oven on?
The stove?
The flat iron?
The curling iron?

Am I going to burn down the house?

And it all but ruins your time away from the house because all you can think of is getting back home and making sure the house is still standing.

It's awful!

AND WE ALL DO IT.

It's part of being human.

Post Apocalyptic Doom

Do  power outages creep anyone else out besides me?

Everything is so quiet.  Too quiet is creepy.

I start thinking that the power outage is some sort of first stage to an apocalypse.  Like ZOMBIES. Hahaha.  Ok so I'm a little fixated on zombies.  I admit it.

Or I start imagining that the power will never come back on and people will start looting, because, you know, that's a rational thought.

Crazy thinking aside, power outages are a hassle where I live because we're on a well and septic system.  No power = no water.  No water = nothing to drink and no bathroom.  Well I suppose it's good there's nothing to drink because you don't want to have to pee really badly when there's no bathroom.  Ok so you could pee and not flush but, let's face it, that's not a pleasant long term option.

I'm not even going to get into if you have to poop.  Ok I will a little bit.  Getting into a car and going somewhere just to poop is just plain inconvenient and nobody likes to poop in public, am I right?

The power was out for 45 minutes today.  Not a long time but long enough for the creep factor to sink in.  I tell ya, I don't want to live in a post apocalyptic world.  I don't have the skills for it!

I would probably lose a ton of weight though if the zombies didn't chew on my fat butt first.

Things that make you go hmmmm.

No apocalypse today, folks.

It's probably for the best.

Friday the 13th Doom

Seeing as how it's apparently the third Friday the 13th of 2015, I figured it would be fitting to make it my daily doom.

I know as a teenager I witnessed a minor car crash on a Friday the 13th.

But that's it.

Hah!  I HAVE NO DOOM FOR FRIDAY THE 13TH!

It's a doom-free day people, despite the superstition.   Oh great now I feel the need to knock on wood or something bad will happen.

So basically I just created a doom out of a feeling of a lack of doom.  And when I say that, I'm not kidding.  I actually start to worry.

I CAN'T WIN.

Great.

Just great.

Hello Doom

Not all of my Dooms are going to be about death and destruction.  Some are strictly about humiliation which, for me, might as well be death and destruction because humiliation makes me want to crawl under the proverbial rock and die.

So what does Hello Doom mean?  It doesn't mean "hello doom, how are ya doin'?".  It's a doom, I don't have to be polite to it. Besides, dooms are assholes.  They're everywhere, everybody has them, and they're usually full of shit.

No I'm actually referring to saying "hi" to people.  Yeah, really.  It's a doom for me.  You see, I get anxious very easily and when I'm anxious I start stuttering which is freakin' humiliating.  Meeting new people or even saying "hi" to people in the street is enough to get the stutter machine gear up and start turning.

But what's worse than actually stuttering?  Being afraid I'm going to stutter.  I CAN'T WIN.

And it makes me want to get swallowed up by the earth and disappear.

Here's a quick but effective example.

I was helping a friend deliver art to a gallery in Toronto this one time.  Conversation was happening around me but I was in the background quite happily in my own world being inconspicuous.  All of the sudden the gallery owner/manager/whatever/ looks at me, holds out his hand, and says, "Nice to meet you.", with a smile.

Sounds normal and friendly right?

Not to me!

My heart starts pounding, my brain goes blank, and all I could muster blurting out was, "NICE!" while I shook his hand.

I'm thinking "oh my god, did I just do that?" while I looked into his eyes and saw definite confirmation that yes, indeed, I just did that.  He was looking at me like I was on a timer ready to explode in his gallery.

I was certain that I would die of humiliation right there on the spot.  I would fall over, maybe take some art with me on the way down and just lay there dead.  My obit would read, "Here lies Amanda.  Her last word was NICE!".

Nice.

*sigh*

Fog Doom

I hate fog.  Need I say more?

Ok, so I'm going to say a little bit more.

Apparently I'm not the only one too because there was a horror movie made called "The Fog".

Ok, so there may or may not be scary killer things lurking in fog but one thing is for sure, driving in thick fog, especially at night, is enough to make anyone white knuckle it.  I've driven in pea soup fog a few times and now the slightest bit of fog makes me feel DOOM.

Nuh-uh.  No thank you.  Barely being able to see in front of my car is just not my idea of a good time.

Fog...what is it good for?  Absolutely nothing.  Say it again.

Another Shower Doom

Falling in the shower.

I picture it ALL THE TIME.

Slipping and cracking my head off the tile wall or marble threshold.  I picture myself laying all legs and arms splayed, broken, like a jigsaw puzzle that needs putting together.

But who cares about broken bones, am I right?

I shudder at the thought of the water going cold while I lay there helpless weakly crying out for help.

The cats would meow at me from the other side of the door thinking it's some sort of game.  Or more likely the cats would want me to get the hell out of the bathroom and feed them 'cause let's face it, cats are assholes.

But worst of all is the idea of finally getting help because that means NAKEDNESS.

Why oh why is the thought of someone seeing me naked and all folded up on the shower floor worse than lying there with my bones broken?  I know I'm huge and no swimsuit model but priorities, man!

What's wrong with my brain?

Another Eating Doom

Warning.  Kinda gross.

I can't eat anything without picturing myself projectile vomiting after.

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?

For the record, I almost never throw up so I don't even know where this is coming from.

Bizarre but at least it's not a life threatening one for a change, right?

You have to look at the positive sometimes.

Jellyfish Doom

I've taken pictures of my feet in 2 different oceans.  Very touristy I know, don't judge me.  Thankfully it was off season both times so I didn't really have to worry about the "should I swim in the ocean" question.

Seems like most people wouldn't have a second thought about it.

Not me and my brain.

Because JELLYFISH.

Creepy ass bastards!

Alien, transparent, stingy, creepy ass bastards.  Some can even kill you.

I've seen pictures of an entire ocean flooded with them leaving a person no room to move without swimming into dozens of the creepy dangerous things.

NO THANK YOU.

I love to swim as much as the next person but I really don't know if I could make myself swim in an ocean with the possibility of jellyfish...no matter how remote.  I don't want one sting much less be covered in them and stung all over.  What if I swam into a ton of them, got attacked and drowned with them all stuck to me.  Again.  No thank you.

Oceans.  I stuck my feet in.  That's enough for me.

Curiosity Killed the Cat Doom

How many OCD tendencies do you have?  I have a couple.

(I'm not trying to take anything away from someone who struggles with full blown OCD.  I can't imagine  how hard it must be to live that way.)

This time I'm talkin' doors.  Not The Doors, but doors that you walk through.

Every time I leave the house I have to push on a door exactly 3 times.  Why?  Because I imagine all sorts of doom and gloom happening to my cats should the door not be closed properly.  It may swing open and my indoor cats could get out.  They could get lost, hit by a car, eaten by a coyote (yes we have them down the street in a farm field), or freeze to death since it's winter right now.  MY POOR CATS!!!!!!!!!!!

Also of concern is the laundry room door.  One cat, Gonzo-man, has been locked in there twice now for several hours each time.  He still tries to get in there, 'cause, let's face it,  he's a cat and curiosity killed the cat. When it's laundry time around the house, I have to do a cat check before I can sleep just in case the darn cat has made it by the door and gotten locked in the room again.  What if he gets locked in there and we all leave?  What if he gets locked in there for a long time when it's really cold out and freezes and/or starves to death.

WHAT IF ALL THE BAD THINGS HAPPENED????

If I just checked stuff and pushed on that door 3 times, then it's all good and my cats are safe.

Makes total sense, right?

WHAT!

Short Shower Doom

Every damn time I finish my shower and prepare to push aside the shower curtain I worry that there will be a stranger standing there ready to kill me.

WHY DOES MY BRAIN WORK THIS WAY???

Chair Doom

Ever had a chair break underneath you?

I have.  And I wasn't even half as heavy as I am now.

I am now scarred for life you asshole of a  dining room chair, thank you very much.

I now think I'm going to break every single chair that I sit in.  Not only will I have to suffer through the humiliation of it but what if part of the chair goes right through my leg or stabs me in the ass?  What the chair doesn't just shame and maim?  What if somehow I bleed out and die from sitting on and breaking a chair?

Chairs can be assholes.  And dangerous.

You just never know.

Spider Doom

Spiders.  Not a fan.  In fact I can't even look at pictures of them.

So what do I picture every damn time I go to bed at night?

Spiders running all over my sleeping body and one of them crawling into my ear.  It would build a nest there and baby spiders would be born in my ear causing deafness and a lethal case of the oogies.

I sleep on my side and every night I make sure to cover my exposed ear because it's so freakin' likely to happen.  (don't worry, I'm eye rolling at myself)

There just aren't enough flamethrowers in the world to deal with these 8 legged fear machines.

<shudder>

Manatee Doom

I saw a meme today about manatees and that got me to thinking about the time my house mates went on a trip in the southern U.S.  (can't remember exactly where).

They told me they were going to go kayaking to see manatees.

Here's where my brain enters the picture.

A while ago I had seen a documentary on manatees that showed what gentle creatures they are and how they are often injured by boat propellers or other water traffic.

I was immediately concerned.  Filled with doom you might say.

I pictured the kayaks running into them and over them.  I pictured the paddles hitting them and hurting them.

I just looked at my house mate and blurted out while fighting back tears, "they're so gentle!!!  Be careful!!!)

I was seriously worried about the plight of the gentle manatee.

So if you ever go boating or kayaking to see them, be gentle!

To this day we still laugh at how serious I was when I said, "they're so gentle!!!!"

Yup.

P.S.  No manatees were harmed in the making of this post.

Manhole Cover Doom (or how I became a rat overlord)

Manhole covers.  Yep, I'm talkin' manhole covers, grates, and metal plates.  In the road or on the sidewalk, it doesn't matter.

I can't walk on them.

My legs turn to molten jelly at just the thought of stepping on those things.

What if I fall through?

Will I fall break a leg in a sewer surrounded by foul things and rats?  What if the rats are really, really hungry and come at me with dinner on their nasty little minds?  Would I get eaten or would they take pity on me and somehow turn me into their human overlord(lady?).  I would live the rest of my days in the sewer ruling over my rat kingdom.  I'd like to think I'd be a fair and benevolent ruler. I'd teach them things and in return they would bring me tribute.  And eventually we'd plot to take over the world.  Win/win, right?

Or, what if because of my size I get stuck on the way down and half of me is above ground and half of me is below?  Humiliation AND panic all at the same time!

What if they have to jackhammer the pavement to get me out?  Not to mention, what if this happens at night and no one notices me?  If I'm in the street, I could get run over.  Or maybe I'd become "sidewalk girl" and people would write songs about me.

That'd be an interesting headline in the papers.

It's better just to avoid stepping on these things all together, I think.

Sorry rats, you'll have to find someone new to lead you.

NOT THE BEES Doom

I'm not allergic to bees.  I've been stung a couple of times.

For some reason I still imagine being chased by a cloud of angry bees bent on my destruction.

NOT THE BEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On T.V. and movies there's always a lake to jump into in order to escape but what if, in real life, there's no lake?

How do I outrun the bees?

When I was a kid I thought I was being chased by a bee, so I took off in a frantic run to escape what was sure to be an angry cloud of vengeful bees.  I can't remember what happened but I do know it turned out to be a butterfly chasing me.  Yeah.  A butterfly.  THE TERROR!  My sister LOVES this story.  I may have tripped over a tree branch in my frantic attempt to escape the enemy but I can't really remember.

All I know is my doom was put to the test that day and lo, the doom remains.

It could still happen.

BEES ARE UNPREDICTABLE!