Monday, April 27, 2015

Trout Doom

Ahh the elusive trout.

The woods are fresh with spring.  The sky is grey and possibly threatening rain.  The long walk down to the valley is steep and exhausting.

Ok, Ok.  Once you get there it's beautiful, I admit.

And the excitement of having a trout on the line is, well, exhilarating.

So what could go wrong?
  • pouring rain
  • getting lures stuck in the flotsam in the stream making the Dude have to continually free my line and then he'll become angry with me
  • fishing angry (you know how they say don't drive angry?  Well, they got the phrase from Don't Fish Angry...I'm sure of it)
  • My bad back acting up making me very sore and dreading the climb back up  (ok, so it's rough trail stairs but there's A LOT of them, ok, and I'm very sedentary)
  • spiders.  You just never know about those evil fuckers.

Oh and not catching a fish would suck too.


Friday, April 24, 2015

Scary Movie Doom

Why do some of us love scary movies?

As a kid I couldn't handle them at all.  Even in my late teens and early twenties I didn't like them.

Now?  Well, now it's sort of a love/hate relationship with them.  I love getting sucked into watching them but I hate how they can sometimes get into my head and creep me right the hell out.  Because, yanno, horror movies have such incredibly plausible story lines that I might end up in one.  You never know, am I right?  Right?


It doesn't help when you're alone and you have 3 cats that randomly stare at nothing.  NOTHING. Are they staring at a ghosts are is an epic game of "made you look".  Cats are assholes and I wouldn't put it past them.

But I watch them anyway.  Inevitably I watch them at night, get creeped out, and then spend the rest of the night turning on lights and jumping at random household noises.



Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Birthday Doom

Another year, another birthday.

Getting old sucks.  Getting old can be doom-worthy.

You'd think I'd be getting wiser and more mature but trust me, that just ain't happening.


I've got family and friends who spoil me so you know what?  No doom today.

There's probably so much funny stuff I could write about today but it's my birthday and I don't feel like it.

So there.

(Told ya I was immature)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Service Ontario (DMV) Doom

Do I need to say more?

How long will the line be?

At least I'm in a small town and it's not usually too bad.

There, see?  I looked on the positive side of things.  It hurt in my brain to do that.


Sunday, April 19, 2015

Police Car Doom

No I didn't get arrested.  Why would you think that?

So we all know when a police car is going down the road with sirens blaring, you get out of the way. Right?

What do you do when you're in the  middle of the intersection?  I had people on all sides of the intersection and behind me.

This just happened to me.

I didn't know what to do so I stayed put.  I feel like I should have put my hazard lights on so the police would know that I saw them coming.   But I didn't.  I froze.  Literally.

Now I feel like the police are going to hunt me down, give me a ticket which I won't be able to pay, impound my car, arrest me, the judge will set my bail to an amount I can't pay, my friends and family will be ashamed of me, and I'll spend my days rotting in jail.

Makes sense, right?


And what the hell do you do when you can't go anywhere anyway?

I should have put my hazard lights on dammit.

I'm so going to jail.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Getting the Newspaper Doom

I have trouble going outside.  The outside world seems big and scary and like a big weight on my shoulders pressing me down into the ground.

You know, 'cause air is so heavy.

I also have social phobia which makes me fear being seen or talked to when I finally do make it outside.

Cut to this morning and I have to go get the morning paper at the end of our long-ass driveway.  The sky is blue, it's beautiful out and I'm hiding behind the back door willing myself to turn the knob and go outside.  Finally I do it.  I just take a breath, twist that knob, and all of the sudden I'm out in the fresh air.

Ok, now what?

I literally start to hug the back wall of the house like I'm walking along a building ledge and creep along until I'm at the corner of the house.

I peek around the corner like any good covert ops person would do.  Hey, I've seen movies, right? I return flat backed against the back wall and breathe like I'm about to turn the corner and fight for my life.

No one there.

I can do this.

I take a deep breath and turn the corner.  Then I slowly walk towards the paper at the end of the driveway while scanning the scenery like a terminator looking for humans.

Still no one.

I grab the paper and make a bee-line towards the house.  Why is it called a bee-line anyway?  Don't bees have that figure 8 dance that they do?

But I digress.

I make it around the corner and quickly get myself through the back door again.  I flop against that back door and pant with relief like I've just finished running a mile.  (Not that I ever have run a mile. It's what I imagine, okay?)

I MOTHERFUCKING DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now to just get through the same thing tomorrow.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Undefined Doom

Do you ever have a sense of impending doom but  you don't know what it's for?

I do.

Right this very minute.

And not knowing what the feeling of doom is for just makes the feeling stronger.

This. Sucks.

But this too shall pass.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Leaving on a jet plane Doom

My humans are leaving on a jet plane tomorrow and while I do know when they'll be back again I'm still filled with DOOM.

It's fairly obvious why.

Plane crashes, asses sucked into airplane toilets, falling into a volcano in the Azores...

The list goes on.

And on.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Skin Doom

I'm going to be 43 next week.  Will my face EVER STOP producing blemishes?

I mean really.  I have a good cleansing routine.  What gives?

Mother Nature, please get with the program and sort my hormones out!

I'm already socially anxious enough, I don't need to add bad skin to my reasons to be anxious. I feel like I'm doomed to wander the earth alone with a blemish going at all times.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Meow Doom

I am certain that if my housemates hear my cats meowing at night it will lead to me out on the street because sleep deprivation will cause my housemates to lose their jobs.

'Cause THAT makes sense, right?

Monday, April 13, 2015

Car Doom

Every time I go out in my car I think, "Is this the time when the car will break down?"

And I have no CAA.


What do I do?

I even check my phone every so often to make sure I've got numbers I can call in the contacts list.  As if somehow over time they'll disappear.  But they're always there.

But what do I do when no one is available to help?


Saturday, April 11, 2015

Earworm Doom

You know what I'm talking about.  You get a song (usually a bad one) stuck in your head and it's on repeat.

Over and over and over again it plays in your head driving you insane.

And then I personally start to think, can this really drive me insane?  The more I think about it, the more the song repeats.

Then I'd end up in the hospital mumbling the words to "careless whisper" (today's earworm....oh god why...) until someone would suffocate me with a pillow.

I'm never gonna dance again....


Friday, April 10, 2015

This is why I don't make fun of gerbils or eat cronut burgers Doom

I'm completely afraid of large machinery.

I don't know how else to put it.

It could be anything from a giant mechanical King Kong on an amusement park ride (totally happened)  to a giant claw at a scrap metal yard (also happened).  I'm not afraid of the fact that it's King Kong.  I'm afraid of the fact that it's a giant machine.  Same with the scrap metal claw.  It's a giant machine.

They all give me the oogies.  More than the oogies...all out panic.  I mean who's controlling those things anyhow?  It certainly isn't me.  For all I know, gerbils are running around controlling it while plotting the demise of the human race in revenge for all the Richard Geere jokes.

 I also picture them being artificially intelligent and under the control of no one.  SKYNET HAS TAKEN OVER, PEOPLE!  Next thing you know there's a war between humans and machines and the giant mechanical King Kong gets a glowing eye and the urge to kill all the people in Disneyland over the existence of the cronut burger.  Some would argue that if we invent shit like that, of course the machines would think us worthy of extinction.

I know that's not true.  I do.

But still somehow large machinery still freaks me right the hell out.

I'll be back.  (had to be done)

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Parallel Parking Doom

I always have this fear that not only will I be incapable of parallel parking but it will also cause some sort of road rage incident if I even try.  I picture some crazy person getting out of their car with a tire iron or something to smash my car to bits if I don't perfectly park on the first attempt.

ONE MUST ACHIEVE PERFECTION OR ALL IS LOST!!!!  People will rage, the earth shall split asunder, I will be judged harshly for my lack of parallel parking prowess!!!!

As a result, normally I completely forgo parallel parking and look for spaces that I can just pull into head first.  Yeah, I'm chickenshit.  There I said it.

I have a small car.  It's great for that.  I love my car.  But in a purely platonic way...just sayin'...

So today I'm off to an appointment and the only space I could find was a parallel parking space AND there's a truck behind me.  HOLY SHIT I'm gonna die if I try this, I just know it.  And the guy in the truck is going to honk at me and tell me off for  holding him up if I try it.  That's what I'm thinking.

I know, I know, you must be thinking, "why does she care what the guy in the truck is going to think or do?"  And you would be right to think that.

BUT I'M NOT RATIONAL plus I've got a nice big fat anxiety disorder which makes everything feel like a life or death situation.

You know what though?  I took a deep breath, put my blinker on, motioned the truck to pass me, and I parallel parked my Mandie-mobile perfectly on my first attempt.


Sure it took me 2 frikken tries to back out of the driveway without hitting a tree but parallel parking is my bitch today.

I'm owning that shit.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Rainy Day Gloom Doom

Does the weather bring you down?

It's a rainy day today.  All grey and gloomy.  Plus I live in a basement apartment so it's darker than normal down here.

I don't think I could ever live where it rains all the time.  Despite my dark and yet still silly sense of humour and tendency toward the macabre, even I need a little light sometimes.

Sorry this doom isn't very funny.

They grey (insert 50 Shades joke here) just bums me out today.

I am open to silly stories though if anyone wants to share.

Silliness is good for the soul.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Post- Chocalyptic Doom

As I'm munching on my chocolate bunny from Easter I'm pondering the supposed shortage of chocolate that's coming.

If that's not a doom, then I don't know what is...

I picture anarchy.  People fighting over squares of chocolate.  There'd be a post-chocalyptic chocolate company run by a sisterhood of women.

I picture it like mad max except with chocolate instead of oil and Mel Gibson.

Yeah.  Maybe that's just me.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Injury Doom

I somehow injured my right shoulder just over a week ago.


Do you ever get that feeling (especially as you get older) that you're falling apart and this is the beginning of the end?  The injuries you get now will become permanent problems and you'll just keep getting more and more problems.

I guess that's the plight of the middle age.  Is 43 middle age?  I dunno.

I'm too immature for this.  Ha!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

The Washing of Sharp Things Doom

Once I accidentally washed a glass with a crack in it.  It broke and sliced my finger open.

Now whenever I hand wash anything made out of glass I expect it to shatter on me and cut me.
This has also migrated to other sharp things, say, a big chef's knife.  I picture accidentally slicing myself open while washing it every damn time.

'Cause there's nothing better when you're washing breakable or sharp things than to be distracted, am I right?

I'm washing a big knife later.  Anything could happen.

Or you know, nothing 'cause I'm just being irrational as usual.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Easter Dinner Doom

Social anxiety.  I haz it.

Will I choke on the ham?  They'd have to give me the heimlich and that might ruin dinner, yanno.

Will I stutter tonight at dinner?

Will I spill food all over the floor or myself?

Will I commit some outrageous faux pas?

Will my fat body fit into whatever place they put me to sit?

And soooo many more thinky thoughts.

Coffee.  I need coffee.  'Cause there's nothing like a hit of caffeine to liven up an already anxiously racing mind.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Judgy Doom

Do you live in fear of being judged by everyone?  I do.  It makes absolutely no sense.

I think everyone is judging me all the time when in actual fact I bet no one is even thinking about me at all.

See, people are pretty self-absorbed which leads to me thinking exactly like this and leads to the fact that other people are probably thinking about themselves and not me.

So logically I know this but for some reason I can't stop thinking that other people are judging me.

And why should it matter anyway?  I shouldn't care what other people think of me.

It's hard to step outside thinking like this.

Anyhow, this feels all stream of conciousness and convoluted.

People don't care.  Get it into my thick skull!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Whiny Doom

I got a tetanus shot yesterday so my left arm hurts.  I have an injury in my right shoulder.  I haven't slept well for a few nights.  I bashed my head really hard off the trunk of my open hatchback.

Basically I'm trying to get things done today but I'm sore and exhausted all over and whiny.

Me being whiny is a doom unto itself.

First world problem doom.

I'll just shut up now.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Smelly Doom

I have 3 cats.  No I'm not a cat lady yet...I swear.  I'm pretty sure you need at least 6 or more to be a cat lady.

Sorry Mom.  You just might be a cat lady.

Notice that I left out "crazy".  While I do think that bowing down to our cat overlords is a bit crazy, I don't think it makes you a crazy cat lady.  Crazy cat lady would have to be 15 or so cats.*

But who cares, right?  This ain't about the number of cats you have.  This is about having a smelly cat.

One of my 3 cats has long hair and let's just say that sometimes...umm...things get stuck to his hiney that I like to call "cling-ons".  Yep, occasionally he gets a poop stuck in his pants.  I keep his butt hair trimmed the best that I can but sometimes it just happens, yanno?


I swear to god I've cleaned him 3 times now and he still stinks to me.  It's probably a bad idea to febreze him, right?  <sigh>

See now I think I can never have anyone over because I never know when he's going to get a cling-on and then stink for the whole day no matter how much I clean him.  This could spiral out of control until it invariably ends in me shaving the poor cat bald.  He's a big cat too so I don't think he'd look especially good bald.  It might make him downright angry and nobody holds a grudge better than a cat ( as cat owners well know ).

There ya go.  My life could be ruined over because of a smelly, angry cat.

And I would take it too because he'd turn around and do something cute making me go, "aww who's a handsome kitty?".

Smelly cat bastard.

Why does he have to be cute?

*It's not a fact.  It's just me making shit up 'cause it's my blog and I can.