Saturday, April 18, 2015

Getting the Newspaper Doom

I have trouble going outside.  The outside world seems big and scary and like a big weight on my shoulders pressing me down into the ground.

You know, 'cause air is so heavy.

I also have social phobia which makes me fear being seen or talked to when I finally do make it outside.

Cut to this morning and I have to go get the morning paper at the end of our long-ass driveway.  The sky is blue, it's beautiful out and I'm hiding behind the back door willing myself to turn the knob and go outside.  Finally I do it.  I just take a breath, twist that knob, and all of the sudden I'm out in the fresh air.

Ok, now what?

I literally start to hug the back wall of the house like I'm walking along a building ledge and creep along until I'm at the corner of the house.

I peek around the corner like any good covert ops person would do.  Hey, I've seen movies, right? I return flat backed against the back wall and breathe like I'm about to turn the corner and fight for my life.

No one there.

I can do this.

I take a deep breath and turn the corner.  Then I slowly walk towards the paper at the end of the driveway while scanning the scenery like a terminator looking for humans.

Still no one.

I grab the paper and make a bee-line towards the house.  Why is it called a bee-line anyway?  Don't bees have that figure 8 dance that they do?

But I digress.

I make it around the corner and quickly get myself through the back door again.  I flop against that back door and pant with relief like I've just finished running a mile.  (Not that I ever have run a mile. It's what I imagine, okay?)

I MOTHERFUCKING DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now to just get through the same thing tomorrow.

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